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Bird Shit, Condoms, and a man crying.


So today starts off lucky.

As usual.

Drive all the way up to fucking State for my one class and what the fuck happens?
Cancelled.

I wanted to punch the fucking door.


Good news?
Its fucking earth day.

And I don't really give a shit about earth day...but they handed me some free condoms and an energy drink so I am thinking that earth day is actually kind of cool now.


(Side note: WHAT IS THE BEST CONDOM BRAND?)

Lets see...
a bird shit in my eye yesterday.

Yes
my fucking eye.

Someone told me its good luck but I would like to see a bird fucking shit in their eye and then hear them say that again.


Then:
When I was writing my paper for journalism class I was supposed to do something called a Cultural Plunge. You go to a place you would normally never step foot into.


I wanted to go to a nude beach to see old balls but because weather was shit last week I never went and instead left it up to the last day to do my paper.


Then I realized I had to go into work early,
so I decided to do the only thing I could think of.

Make work awkward.

Super awkward.

So I sat at tables with people I didn't know.

Not something I haven't done before but it was still amusing to sit next to the two cops in uniform.

Who were pretty chill up until they said, "So if you do decide to go to the nude beach, we can be your protectors. Go naked and we can take photos.
"

Yeah.

And he was serious.

Whaaaat the fucccck.

I know I obviously look like a slut sitting down at their table but THEY ARE IN UNIFORM AND I TOLD THEM IT WAS FOR A FUCKING PAPER!

So after that mess.

I went to a table where a guy was sitting my himself. My bad.


He was totally chill when I said I was doing a food survey, and then I admitted I was just kidding (and so forth about my paper) around and he starts laughing.
Then he suddenly stops and leans forward, "want something really interesting to write about?"

No, not really.
"Um sure?"

"Why do WOMEN SLASH (/) GIRLFRIENDS always make men feel UNNEEDED?"

"Uh...are you asking me?"

Then he leans back, chuckles and says, "haha no I was just kidding.
"

See it could have ended there.

I mean I am at work.

Getting paid to do my homework (no I did not ask my manager) but instead I just had to ask, "Why did something happen?"

He starts going ON about his girlfriend.

Then this is where it gets so awkward I want to die.

He. starts. to. cry.

"It's not like I want her to even have sex with me! I just want to cuddle! She doesn't even have five minutes for me!"

Oh woah buddy.

Thank god when the waitress ratted me out to the manager in the back (bitch) and then I had to get up.

He grabbed my hand as I was leaving and said, "thank you so much for sitting down and talking to me! I hope I didn't get you in trouble! Can I come in again sometime and talk to you?"

HELL NO! "...suuuure! That would be fine!"
NO SALLY!
NO!
DUMB FUCKING-

[3] Is The Most Miserable Number of Them All


Look.
Peaches. Kids. Homies. Hombres. Fuckers.
When everything is going your way (which never happens with me but lets just pretend it does) there is a hahayourfucked law that rips you a new handy dandy asshole (or vagina hole...you don't really get to choose.)

It starts with a phone call.
I don't care if you don't fucking have a phone.
It all starts with a phone call because I fucking said so.

Namely from your boss who decides to play favorites with a brand new hostess who has called in the fuckload of sick days.
Which is completely unreasonable when in theory...
the three years (holyfuckingshitthreefuckingyears)
you have worked there,
you never took a fucking sick day.

So someone explain.
How the FUCK the new girl can take off a shitload of sick days?
Well.
No one knows.
We just know we have to cover her fucking shifts.
So when I get a phone call about how I need to come in for a shift I said I would cover (for reference: no I fucking did not)
I am infuriated to the point that I am in tears.
I must say that tears are quite becoming on me.

I cancel my dinner.
and my gym date.
I go into work and approach my boss about firing her.
I got a lame response of: you don't know what I know.

Dude.
I don't care if she has cancer.
Which sounds horrible (in theory.)
But seriously.
If she is that sick.
Get someone else.
End of story.
Oh geez Sally you are so sympathetic!
Yeah fuck sympathy.
It only got me nothing.

End/Bad Thing Number One.

Backing up to Friday.
The one good thing that came out of Friday was running over a cat.
...god I wish that really happened.

So I am supposed to have an appointment with this detective (whohelpedmesofuckingmuch) and he totally takes the day off KNOWING he told me to come in and see him.
I mean seriously dude.
I just need you to answer three questions you doughnut fat bellied fuck.
The only reason I remained calm (until three steps out of the building) was because Mr. HOLY SHIT I AM HOT SEXY AND 23!!!! was the secretary...the secretary cop...the cop secretary...
you know what.
Hotness doesn't need to be questioned.

Reference: I need quotes for an article I am creating for a journalism class which pertains to my favorite man.who.masturbated.next.to.me story.

End/ Bad Thing Number Two

My favorite thing ever happened approximately one hour ago when I was getting out of the gym after running on something I call the stairmasterfuckingbitch.

Of course I never pay for parking permits.
Psht.
Who does that?
Oh I don't know.
People who don't want fucking tickets?
OH
and did I mention PEOPLE who don't want fucking TICKETS?

So.
Naturally.
I walk up to the car.
and on the windshield is my favorite notice EVER
the one that says "read immediately"
I didn't need to read it to know what it was.
So I simply threw it to the ground and yelled out FUCK before realizing I kind of needed it...
picked it back up calmly.
Then prayed whoever wrote it became crippled after being repeatedly raped and then hit by a fucking SEMI.

Like I said.
Three things.
And I think I handled them all with a steady temper.

End/ Bad Thing Number Three.

I feel your heart pitter pattering already, only unlike earlier when I was wearing my snow coat and pants in the rain, its not due to heat.

Okay. *takes deep breath* I knew that there was a reason the song Do you really want to hurt me? froze my Ipod today.

I have tried multiple hair loss products but none of them seem to torture me quite as much as the waxing products or products with blades...oh wait thats all of them. As for Nair? Don't even GET ME STARTED on what it did to me.

I can handle a cut on my leg (which I do every single fucking time I shave due to being easily distracted by things like toilet paper) but a cut on the vagina is a severe NO NO. Yes I know you probably just had to reread that.

I normally don't do it.
Normally.
And I am not normally COMPLETELY oblivious to the cut when it does happen...so when I put that product called Bikini Zone on (I like to just slather it on actually, like chocolate toppings on a cake with coconut filling) on my other mouth and start hissing under my breath with chants of Mother fucker oh my god shit shit shit oh my fucking VAGINA is DYING AND SCREAMING IN PAIN! in attempts of not waking up the family (because that conversation would be so GREAT), I knew I had a SLIGHT PROBLEM.

Thats why I jumped the fuck back in the shower wondering why it felt like I got hit with a fucking hockey puck on my vagina! Like grand slam hit, BOOM! Felt you right there in my vagina. Thanks. Well not IN but OUT... oh whatever.

I am starting to think that I am not that good at taking care of myself with things like this which is why I have made the decision to officially get a Brazilian Bikini Wax over the next month of break!!! Can you hear my screaming now? At least it won't be like when I accidently boiled the wax and then stuck it on...only to realize I didn't have anything to take it OFF with other than my hands...and as for the strips with wax already on them? I think my skin is still stuck to it, somewhere in some trash bin. Unless a bug ate it. Yeah yeah...Sally did you read the directions? OF COURSE I DID! ...after...ward...ish.

Well at least I will be awake to study now.

What the FUCK - - - OVER

So being a sophomore at SDSU officially sucks.

My registration date that once said August 8th changed to the 19th and I just found out people have been signing up for classes since over two weeks ago.

Fuck this.

I am so not making any classes I need at all.
I am going to be crashing every single FUCKING class.
FUCK.

I am SO not the type of student to work this hard for my classes.
Bullshit.

If you didn't KNOW before now you know that sophomores are the last grade to register for classes.
THEREFORE we are the most FUCKED out of every grade.
You can imagine why they all look so fucking pissed off and CUSS A LOT.

I am going to bring cookies,
and bribe professors.

Cookies win over everyone...
except anorexic people. 

I Still Don't

  If I could just figure out how to make the emotions we get from listening to music...into a story...and make people feel those same emotions through writing...then I am pretty sure my life would be content.

  I would have really learned to write.

http://www.badtree.com/Chappelles_Show/wmv/Gay_America.htm

So I went to this site...and then saw this video...I LOVE the gay landscaper...just watch it. I laughedwhat I do in my spare time......I don't know if Black Reparations with Chapelle was better or not...but god. Hilarious. I Have a twisted sense of humor, someone teach me to dance like the black landscaper...PUH-LEASE!

Whoops Who Knew It Was So Complicated...

So has anyone ever gotten a bloody nose trying to open a champagne bottle? I have...Tried opening it with one of those silver metal openers while my mom held the bottle down and the bitch (the metal thing) popped right into my nose. IT HURT. Anyways...Don't's for today.

I also saw the one movie The Ringer. Its awesome. Its even more awesome sitting in the disabled section while watching it. :D
So in the last two days I learned what NOT to do...

  • NEVER reply in an asian accent back to your friends mother whom IS asian...Its not your friend on the phone you are talking to so don't zone out...

  • EVEN THOUGH you think its your brother ringing the doorbell that just woke you up ALWAYS put on your glasses or contacts just in case because you just MIGHT flip off a tall figure that you think is your brother...Only its a mexican worker asking for some work to do.

    AND thats Sallys guide for today.

    Chilling @ The Holiday Inn

    So I am @ Annie's for a sleepover...Listening to her talk to her boyfriend about how Gothica was scary...ITS a good movie. Thats what I thought...BUT heeeey.

    Anyways went to the mall today AND OMAGAH I bought bracelets, manga (wallflower biatch), earrings, aaaand...I think that was it...BUT it was fun to get out again. :D